:'(

If granted 3 wishes, I would bring back Freddie Mercury, John Lennon, and Elvis Presley to save the music industry from destroying itself. Music use to be a form of expression, an art. Where did we go wrong? Now it's whatever sells. It's become a business.

REMEMBER

 Tomorrow marks the 12th anniversary of the Columbine Massacre: NEVER FORGET

Tomorrow Never Knows

Pulling out of school parking lot today, may have been the most awakening moment I have had in my life so far. It's a two lane drive, one for going left, the other for going right. We were waiting to turn left, when someone in the right lane obstructed our view. My mom (who was driving for me since I had an awful headache) had already started to turn, but can to a screeching stop. 3 cars, going 55 mph would have crashed into the passenger door of our car, where I was sitting, if she hadn't stopped. We didn't come out perfect, our back bumper was crashed into by a egger high school boy behind us, but it turned out so much better than it could have. It startled me, a lot. I was very close to being seriously hurt, if not worse. It  made me think how small and insignificant we really are. If I had died today, in the accident, the world would still be here, people would still be going about their days as if nothing happened. If you died tomorrow, are you happy with what you've done today, yesterday, the weeks, and years before? These are the days of our lives. Tomorrow never knows, tomorrow is NOT promised. We are always, ALWAYS, living for tomorrow, but maybe it's time we start trying to live for today.

"I'm knitting with only one needle
Unraveling fast it's true
I'm driving only three wheels these days
But my dear, how about you ?
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened
It finally happened - oh yes
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad !
Just very slightly mad !
And there you have it !"
-"I'm Going Slightly Mad" Queen

Music

Talking to young people my age, I was disappointed, but not surprised, to hear that many of them did not know some of the greatest Artists to ever walk this earth. Many people my age have little to no respect for   the great Artists that came before their time. What they don't realize, is that if it weren't for those who came before them, their favorite music would most likely not be here today.  My top favorite artists of all time:

1. The Beatles
2. Queen
3. Elvis Presley 
4. Michael Jackson
5. Johnny Cash
6. David Bowie
7. Adele 
8. Adam Lambert
9. Led Zeppelin
10. Marilyn Manson

Rough Draft

I just finished a rough draft for my report on gay marriage. Let me know what you think:

                         You’re in love. You can’t think of anything you want more than to spend your life with that person. But you can’t get married, because your government discriminates against you. Gays and Lesbians should receive the same marriage and legal benefits as heterosexual couples. 5 state, and the District of Columbia currently allow gay marriage.

                  In 1996 Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act. This act bars the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages or extending them the same benefits as heterosexual couples.  The Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutionally discriminates against gay and lesbian couples. Federally defining marriage is unconstitutional, and violates first amendment rights. Attorney General Eric Holder has said in a letter to Washington that the Justice Department would no longer oppose legal challenges against the Defense of Marriage Act. President Barack Obama has said that the discrimination against gays can no longer be accepted as reasonable. (“Obama Makes Historic Shift on Gay Rights” David Savage)

             5 states have legalized same-sex marriage; Vermont, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Iowa, and Connecticut. The District of Columbia (D.C) also allows gay marriage. (“Illinois Governor Signs Civil-Union Bill—Is Gay Marriage Next?” Mark Guarino) Legalizing gay marriage has been left up to the state, and their voters. Any legal gay marriages in these states are only recognized  by that state, and not by the federal government. (“Who’s Family? New Study Tracks Shifting US Views” David Crary) New York and Maryland do not issue marriage licenses, but they do recognize the rights of same-sex couples who have been married, or have received civil-union certificates from other states.  (“Illinois Governor Signs Civil-Union Bill—Is Gay Marriage Next?” Mark Guarino)

Civil unions are legal contracts between partners, giving all, or some of the rights received in marriage, without using the word “Marriage.” Civil unions are legal in 6 states; Illinois, California, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, and Washington. In certain cases; Vermont, New Hampshire, and Connecticut, the legalization of gay marriage has followed civil unions. . (“Illinois Governor Signs Civil-Union Bill—Is Gay Marriage Next?” Mark Guarino)

               The legalization of gay marriage country wide is just a matter of time; People younger than 30 are as much as 40 percentage points more supportive of gay marriage than people over 65. The idea of gay marriage is becoming more accepted, even to conservative republicans.  Former Vice President Dick Cheney, John McCain, and Steve Schmidt have all endorsed gay marriage. Even conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh supports civil unions. Eventually gay marriage will reach the Supreme Court, and by the time it does, several additional states may be allowing same-sex marriage. (“The Court of Public Opinion”  Michael Klarman)

                The social changes have already begun to take place. Polls show that there has been a significant shift towards counting same-sex couples as family. (“Who’s Family? New Study Tracks Shifting US Views” David Crary) For the first time, opinion polls on Americans’ attitudes toward same-sex marriage have shifted; a majority is now in favor of it. And since young people are approve in greater numbers, approval ratings are likely to grow. (“The States of Same-Sex Marriage” Audrey Bilger) The change has already happened; it’s only the law that lags.  (“Meet My Real Modern Family” Andrew Solomon.)

Ode to Muammar Gaddafi

Ode to Muammar Gaddafi

You came into the Libyan scene in 1969

And of course you came with brute force

You overthrew King Idris in a coup d'état 

You ruled, a happy 42 years

But your time has come my friend

To leave your office

Your people are rebelling and you say

Osama bin Laden is slipping hallucinatory pills in their drinks

 Their milk

 Their coffee

 Their Nescafe

You say no sane  person would join the rebels

                                You say the pills will kill your people

But only if NATO gets lucky

Will the pills get to  you

Marilyn Manson

"there's not much left to love

too tired today to hate
    I feel the empty
    I feel the minute of decay
    I'm on my way down now, I'd like to take
    you with me
    I'm on my way down
    I'm on my way down now, I'd like to take
    you with me
    I'm on my way down
    the minute that it's born
    it begins to die
    I'd love to just give in,
    I'd love to live this lie
    I've been to black and back
    I've whited out my name
    a lack of pain, a lack of hope,
    a lack of anything to say
    there is no cure for what is killing me
    I'm on my way down
    I've looked ahead and saw a
    world that's dead
    I guess that I am too
    the minute that it's born
    it begins to die
    I'd love to just give in,
    I'd love to live this lie
    I'm on my way down now, I'd like to take
    you with me..."

"Minute Of Decay"-Marilyn Manson

Something I do.....

I don't date. I just don't. It's not that I don't ever get asked out. I get asked out on dates all the time. But I've never even considered saying yes. I guess I just don't understand. Why do we, as high schoolers, put so much energy into dating? I don't have time to make someone else happy, I'm busy taking care of myself. Though I have to wonder, is it because I have trust issues? I do have major trust issues, but it's never been a huge problem for me. We are in HIGH SCHOOL! The chances of us marrying someone we date in high school is microscopic, and the chances of staying married is even smaller. I know, I sound like a heartless bitch. But maybe, just maybe, I'm being smart.

My story

This is a copyrighted work of nonfiction by the author Beth Ann Koustas. All rights reserved.

Note: I posted this for Lina. It's not a writing of mine that I like, but she insists on reading more of my writing, so here it is:

I’m my own worst enemy 

I’ve always wondered what it’s like to have a normal family, but then I ask myself: What is normal? My mom always wondered if she should have left. “Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t left” She’d say, or “Maybe you’d be different.” When she thought I wasn’t listening, I could hear her mumble “Maybe you wouldn’t be so fucked up.” And I still think to myself, “what’s wrong with the way I am?”

I don’t remember a time when I lived under a roof with both of my parents at the same time. My mom says she left when I was only a few months old. Occasionally, she’ll look for something, and the she’ll remember she left it at my father’s house when she left. He sold all of her stuff before she could go back and get it. I’ll ask her why she left so quickly, but she just turns grim and tells me it doesn’t matter. But I matters to me.

They’re yelling at each other again. My mom is screaming into the phone, tears streaming down her red face. I can hear him yelling back through the phone. I wonder what a stranger listening into their call would think. It doesn’t matter. They can hang up and stop listening when ever they want. I can’t. This is my life, my reality. It’s all I’ve ever known. I turn my iPod up to maximum volume, trying to drown out my reality for a while. I don’t want to listen. They’re fighting about me again. My medical bills my mom simply cannot pay for on her own. My dad is rich, but is once again refusing to pay anything. He should have to. It’s his fault I’m sick. Even the rough, scratchy voice of Marilyn Manson fails to drown out the yelling I’m being subjected to. I run up the stairs, tripping and falling on the way up. I lock myself in the bathroom, putting as many walls as possible between me and the yelling, but I can still hear it. It’s constant, I never get a break from it. This is my normal.  I want to cry, but the tears stopped flowing years ago. They never did any good. They just added to my problem, and a dull headache would be my punishment for  being so fucking weak. 

My dad always had a different car every time I went to see him for visitation. I hated getting up at 5 every Sunday morning. His house smelled to mothballs, and to this day I’ll either throw up or cry when I smell mothballs. I hated that smell. He would always drive me home, flying over the hills in his car, singing to me. It was always the same song, Nobody can possibly despise any song as much as I despise the song “Mockingbird” 

My mom’s crying herself to sleep again, what she doesn’t know, is that I hear her every time she cries. And I can’t stand it! She cries because she’s weak. She’s weak because she trusted. She trusted because she loved. Love destroys people, it makes them blind to the obvious. I cuddle with my bunny, and try to think about something happy. I used to talk to my bunny all the time. When I spent the night at my dad’s, I would stay up and talk to him. I’d talk to him until the street light outside the window turned off and the sunlight returned, promising a day of misery.

I went to a Catholic school when I was young. And I felt so different. On Parents day, I was the only one without two parents. My classmates always asked me where my “Daddy” was. I’d tell them it doesn’t matter. Twice a year we had parent-teacher meetings. My father only showed up to one, and he was 20 minutes late. Most kids who grow up in broken families hope their parents will get back together, but to me, that was my worst nightmare.  It still is. When I failed my spelling test in the fourth grade, my father yelled at me all day. I may not have physical scars, but emotionally, I’ve been battered and beaten, left on the side of the road to die. 

He was sleeping again. He always was. I never understood why I had to be here if all he did was sleep. That was all about to change. Her name was Tara, she was young, thin, and had long flowing blond hair. A trophy wife of sorts. But to me, she was just the evil step mom. She hated children, especially me. I must have only been 2 or 3 years old at the time, but I remember it. It’s like a movie that won’t stop playing in my head. It’s different, this memory. I can see a girl crying behind the couch, screaming for her mom. She does not  want to be here. Tara is staring at the little girl who is me, saying that I fucked things up again. I ruined her night. My father is sitting in a chair, just watching the horror movie on the screen of his flat screen TV. Tara grabs the phone and dials my mom, handing me the phone.  The next few moments of this memory are tragic, as I watch myself scream and sob as my mom tells me she can’t pick me up until tomorrow, because the courts won’t let her. Tara is standing there staring at me as I sob, with an evil smirk on her face. She knows she’s only made things worse, but she doesn’t care. I can’t get this movie out of my head. It won’t turn off. When I sleep, this memory becomes a dream, and when I’m awake this dream is my reality, I feel like an intruder, watching a little girl sobbing for her mom, but I’m not, because that girl is me. 

We lived in the basement of my grandparents' house. I remember sharing a bed with my mom because she didn’t want to buy another bed. I used to lay in bed at night watching my mom stare at the TV. She was addicted to the shopping channel, and she spent away all of her money. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was trying to buy her way to happiness. The only thing that she got was a bunch of useless shit and debt. But I still find comfort in watching the shopping channel. 

Scapegoat: one who is made to bear the blame for others. I, am my family’s scapegoat. Whenever something is missing, it’s my fault. When something isn’t working, let’s all blame Beth Ann! My uncle used to call me “Mouse” because I was small and have a squeaky voice. I’ve always been the outcast of the family. The one who’s overshadowed by everyone else’s achievements. My cousins are all A+ students, musical prodigies, and first class theater stars. Four of my cousins have been quarterback of their football team, two have been valedictorians, One is a cheerleader, and my cousin Joe is going to Yale on a full-ride scholarship. To my family, I am nothing. I’m the one to throw the blame on. Thanks to my family, I’ve grown up feeling as if I was not worthy of greatness.

My happy memories are like a bunch of snapshots to me.  They seem so close, and yet so far away. Running through the park in the snow with my best friend. Being pushing up against the rim of the stage by the crazy crowd behind me. That’s where I’m the most happy, when I’m at a concert. It’s the reason I took up playing the guitar. I learned how to play by ear, because my mom couldn’t afford lessons. I saved and saved for months, just to buy that Electric Guitar. And to this day I am still proud when I look up and see my guitar-my prized possession-in the corner of my room. Music just might have saved my life. Music makes up for everything that’s ever happened to me.  I believe that suffering can lead to greatness. In the words of our great President Lincoln “I will prepare and someday my chance will come.”

Fact: 1913

When my Great Grandmother was born:

1.  Woodrow Wilson was president
2. The first paved coast-to-coast U.S. highway opened
3. First crossword puzzle was published (she loved those)

And she lived to see:

1. A man walk on the moon
2. 2 world wars
3. And TV

In Loving Memory

And now the end is near

And so I face the final curtain,

My friends, I'll say it clear,

I'll state my case of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full, I've travelled each and evr'y highway

And more, much more than this, I did it my way.